A man and wife entered a dentist’s office.
The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or any anaesthetic because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman!” said the dentist, “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
Placing his stethoscope around his neck, the doctor says to the young blonde, “Please remove your blouse.”
When she is ready, the doctor says, “OK, big breaths.”
“Yeth,” she replies, “and I’ve had them thinth I wath thixthteen!”
“Doctor” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on Earth for?”
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. If you don’t do it, I’ll just go to another doctor.”
“OK, but it’s against my better judgment.”
Steve has his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve, “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Yeah,” says the patient, “I finally decided I’d like to be circumcised.”
Steve’s eyes widen in horror, “Oh no! That’s the word!”
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph ’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The old lady said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything.”
A man goes to see his Doctor “Doc” he says, “I’ve got a problem, every minute of every day, I’ve got that song Delilah running through my head! I catch myself humming it, and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife even says I sing it in my sleep, and it’s driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?”
The Doctor replies “well, it sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me”.
“Is it a rare disorder?”, the guy asks, to which the Doctor sings “It’s not unusual…”
Q: How can you tell which pill bottle contains the PMS medicine?
A: It’s the one with the bite marks on the cap…
A family practice doc, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist are out one day duck hunting. First up is the FP doc – he raises his gun to take aim at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck.” BANG! He bags himself a duck.
The internist then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of birds flying overhead. He says to himself, “Looks, flies, and quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus duck likely.” BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.
A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it to the pathologist and says, “Tell me if this is a duck.”
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you a question.”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man briskly walking down the street with a gorgeous young blonde on his arm. The doctor walked up to him and said, “Harry you’re doing great, I’m proud of you.”
The 92 year-old replied, “I’m just following your directions Doctor, get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
“No, I didn’t say that!” said the Doctor “I said you’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says,”You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, so this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit upset. On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
“I have an earache.”
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he’s not insured? Do you know what oxygen costs these days?!
Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.
They turn around to see a lady turning blue.
The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.
He asks, “Can you breathe?” She shakes her head no.
“Can you speak?” he asks. She again shakes her head no.
With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt.
Shocked, the woman coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe.
The first Texan turns back to his friend and says, “Amazing how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!”
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and frowned. Being a little concerned, the doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma – but I’m glad I came.”
A Doctor was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a patient asked ”So how’s your
breakfast this morning?” ”It’s very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem
to get used to the taste.” Bob replied.
The Doctor then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ 
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
“Dave… Dave… Dave, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”
A Psychiatrist conducts a memory test with 3 of his patients:
Doctor : “What is 3 times 3?”
Patient #1 : “274.”
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, “It’s your turn. What is 3 times 3?”
Patient #2: “Tuesday.”
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s 3 times 3?”
Patient #3: “Nine!”
Doctor : “That’s great! How did you get that?”
Patient #3: “Simple – just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
After his history and physical, the doctor sat down with Bob and said “Well, Bob, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bob said “Give me the good news first, Doc.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
A woman asked the man seated next to her on the airplane what he did for a living.
“I’m a naval surgeon,” the man said.
“Tarnation!” the woman said. “How you doctors specialize these days!”
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied …. ‘Today is the viewing.’
A doctor had grim news for his patient: “I’m afraid you have both cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, doc, at least I don’t have cancer!”
Wade Grindle MD
This website is just what the doctor ordered for what tickles your funnybone! Take two medical cartoons and call me in the morning…
Recent Post
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Scrubs Favorite Moments (Season 5)
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Surgeon vs OR Nurse
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Humpty Dumpty sat on the couch
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The Gunner Song
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You Might Be a Scrub Tech If…
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Doctor’s alphabet
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