Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you a question.”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says,”You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, so this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit upset. On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
“I have an earache.”
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and frowned. Being a little concerned, the doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma – but I’m glad I came.”
A Doctor was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a patient asked ”So how’s your
breakfast this morning?” ”It’s very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem
to get used to the taste.” Bob replied.
The Doctor then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ 
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
Recent advances in functional neuromagnetic resonance imaging studies have finally revealed the critical differences in the female vs. the male brain regions of the homo sapiens species…
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to upholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of ‘you’re out’
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
“Air guitars are not allowed in my operating room. You’re going to have to do it in your head.” (From ORDailyQuotes)
An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he gets sick and decides to see a doctor.
In the doctor’s waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man answers that the doctor specializes in ‘everything’.
The elderly man thinks about this and gets nervous. He asks the man if the doctor’s fees are expensive.
The man says: “Well, that depends, you see, he charges one thousand dollars cash for your first visit.”
The elderly man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, “A thousand dollars?”
The man replies, “Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!”
While the elderly man is pondering this, he suddenly gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor’s office he says casually . . .
. . . “Hello doctor, here I am again!”
The traditional visual analog scale (VAS) used to assess pain on a 1 – 10 score has always seemed inadequate to me. Micah Stubblefield has come up with a much better version here.
Retweet from ORDailyQuotes Microblog: Orthopedic surgeon looking at xrays of a fracture repair: ” Yogi, I think the ranger’s gonna like it.” Original here: http://twitter.com/ORDailyQuote
Wade Grindle MD
This website is just what the doctor ordered for what tickles your funnybone! Take two medical cartoons and call me in the morning…
Recent Post
-
Christmas Group Therapy
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments
-
Overcaffeinated Radiologist
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments
-
Pharm Rep Heather Locklear
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments
-
Shy Bladder? Try Bladdivan
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments
-
High Fives From The Todd
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments
-
Pretendatrin
by Wade Grindle MD with No Comments