Aerobe: a garment worn around the house
Alimentary: what Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson
Apparent: one who changes diapers
Carpal: someone you drive to work with
Castrate: the going price for setting a fracture
Chiropractor: An Egyptian doctor
Cystogram: A wire sent to your sister
Decapitate: to cancel a contract with an HMO
Denial: where Cleopatra used to swim
Dislocation: Here
Duct: avoided being hit
Elixir: what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone
Emetic: Italian ambulance driver
Fibula: little white lie
Genotype: the kind of girl Geno likes
Hippocampus: where a hippopotamus gets a degree
Inbred: the best way to eat bologna
Innuendo: where an Italian gastroenterologist puts his proctoscope
Intubate: what a fisherman is
Isodense: what a med student says after taking the national boards
Orifice: a place of business
Paradox: two physicians
Platelet: a saucer
Pleural: more than one
Sacral: holy
Thorax: weapon of a Norse God
Tolerance: the result of ants on growth hormone
Vitamin: what you do when friends stop by to visit
1. Ooops!
2. Someone call the janitor! We’re going to need a mop!
3. We have to hurry, I have a flight to catch.
4. Hi, I’m Bill, are you the new surgeon?
5. That’s cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?
6. Boy, it wasn’t like this in the video!
7. Darn! There go the lights again…
8. Of course this is ethical!
9. You fool! You switched the arms and legs again!
10. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
11. I can’t find my scalpel… oh well… could I have another one?
12. Good morning, Dr. Kevorkian.
After his history and physical, the doctor sat down with Bob and said “Well, Bob, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bob said “Give me the good news first, Doc.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Recent advances in functional neuromagnetic resonance imaging studies have finally revealed the critical differences in the female vs. the male brain regions of the homo sapiens species…
A woman asked the man seated next to her on the airplane what he did for a living.
“I’m a naval surgeon,” the man said.
“Tarnation!” the woman said. “How you doctors specialize these days!”
Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
Congenital: Friendly
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Genital: Non-Jewish
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to upholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of ‘you’re out’
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
“Air guitars are not allowed in my operating room. You’re going to have to do it in your head.” (From ORDailyQuotes)
An elderly man has just moved to a new town, when he gets sick and decides to see a doctor.
In the doctor’s waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
The man answers that the doctor specializes in ‘everything’.
The elderly man thinks about this and gets nervous. He asks the man if the doctor’s fees are expensive.
The man says: “Well, that depends, you see, he charges one thousand dollars cash for your first visit.”
The elderly man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, “A thousand dollars?”
The man replies, “Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!”
While the elderly man is pondering this, he suddenly gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor.
On entering the doctor’s office he says casually . . .
. . . “Hello doctor, here I am again!”
Retweet from ORDailyQuotes Microblog: Orthopedic surgeon looking at xrays of a fracture repair: ” Yogi, I think the ranger’s gonna like it.” Original here: http://twitter.com/ORDailyQuote
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
1 Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
2 Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
3 Damn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!
4 Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!
5 Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie
6 Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
7 “Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
8 Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
9 “Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, he’s got two of’em…
10 What do you mean “You want a divorce!?”
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
‘Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr. Wallace.
‘My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, ‘You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace. ‘I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.
‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
‘Well,’ he replied …. ‘Today is the viewing.’
Self-Diagnosis
A doctor had grim news for his patient: “I’m afraid you have both cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, doc, at least I don’t have cancer!”
From GiggleMed, a Damon Wayans classic:
St. Peter was standing outside the gates of heaven when three men appeared, all of them doctors. Peter looked at the first one and asked, ”What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?””I was an oncologist—I helped many cancer patients and saved many lives,” the man answered.
”Very well,” said St. Peter. ”You may enter…”
Peter looked at the second man and asked, ”What have you done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?”
”I was a clinical pediatrician—I helped many poor kids who could not afford private care,” said the second man.
”Very well,” said St. Peter. ”You may enter…”
Peter then turned to the third man and asked, ”And what have YOU done in your life to deserve admittance into heaven?”
”I was the director of a large HMO company in the United States,” the third man said proudly.
St. Peter paused and looked in his book for a few minutes. After a while, he looked up and said to the third man, ”Well, you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but you may only stay for three days….”
Highly recommended reading from KevinMD.com on the benefits of humor for both patient and provider here.
From the venerable Musings of a Dinosaur:
First Law: The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature takes its course.
Second Law: It is impossible to make an asymptomatic patient feel better.
Third Law: The urgency of the test is inversely proportional to the IQ of the insurance company preauthorization clerk.
Fourth Law: There is no cure for stupid.
Fifth Law: Bad things really do happen to good people.
Sixth Law: The better the surgeon, the more reluctant s/he is to operate.
Seventh Law:
Part A: It has to be fun.
Part B: If it isn’t fun, see Part A.
Eighth Law: Half of what is taught in medical school is wrong, but no one knows which half.
Ninth Law: Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Tenth Law: A bad idea held by many people for a long time is still a bad idea.
Wade Grindle MD
This website is just what the doctor ordered for what tickles your funnybone! Take two medical cartoons and call me in the morning…
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