A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be ok, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up. “So,” the doctor says,”You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, so this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit upset. On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
“I have an earache.”
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Stop Suffering… and start living… with TequilaRx!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he’s not insured? Do you know what oxygen costs these days?!
Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
While eating at their favorite diner, two Texans hear an awful choking sound.
They turn around to see a lady turning blue.
The first Texan rises, hitches up his jeans and walks over to the lady.
He asks, “Can you breathe?” She shakes her head no.
“Can you speak?” he asks. She again shakes her head no.
With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt and starts to lick her butt.
Shocked, the woman coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe.
The first Texan turns back to his friend and says, “Amazing how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!”
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and frowned. Being a little concerned, the doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma – but I’m glad I came.”
A Doctor was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a patient asked ”So how’s your
breakfast this morning?” ”It’s very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem
to get used to the taste.” Bob replied.
The Doctor then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’ 
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother — he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Dave.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
“Dave… Dave… Dave, you sick bastard. You’re a vet.”
A Psychiatrist conducts a memory test with 3 of his patients:
Doctor : “What is 3 times 3?”
Patient #1 : “274.”
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, “It’s your turn. What is 3 times 3?”
Patient #2: “Tuesday.”
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s 3 times 3?”
Patient #3: “Nine!”
Doctor : “That’s great! How did you get that?”
Patient #3: “Simple – just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”
Aerobe: a garment worn around the house
Alimentary: what Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson
Apparent: one who changes diapers
Carpal: someone you drive to work with
Castrate: the going price for setting a fracture
Chiropractor: An Egyptian doctor
Cystogram: A wire sent to your sister
Decapitate: to cancel a contract with an HMO
Denial: where Cleopatra used to swim
Dislocation: Here
Duct: avoided being hit
Elixir: what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone
Emetic: Italian ambulance driver
Fibula: little white lie
Genotype: the kind of girl Geno likes
Hippocampus: where a hippopotamus gets a degree
Inbred: the best way to eat bologna
Innuendo: where an Italian gastroenterologist puts his proctoscope
Intubate: what a fisherman is
Isodense: what a med student says after taking the national boards
Orifice: a place of business
Paradox: two physicians
Platelet: a saucer
Pleural: more than one
Sacral: holy
Thorax: weapon of a Norse God
Tolerance: the result of ants on growth hormone
Vitamin: what you do when friends stop by to visit
1. Ooops!
2. Someone call the janitor! We’re going to need a mop!
3. We have to hurry, I have a flight to catch.
4. Hi, I’m Bill, are you the new surgeon?
5. That’s cool! Now can you make her leg twitch?
6. Boy, it wasn’t like this in the video!
7. Darn! There go the lights again…
8. Of course this is ethical!
9. You fool! You switched the arms and legs again!
10. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
11. I can’t find my scalpel… oh well… could I have another one?
12. Good morning, Dr. Kevorkian.
After his history and physical, the doctor sat down with Bob and said “Well, Bob, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Bob said “Give me the good news first, Doc.”
“They’re going to name a disease after you.”
Recent advances in functional neuromagnetic resonance imaging studies have finally revealed the critical differences in the female vs. the male brain regions of the homo sapiens species…
Wade Grindle MD
This website is just what the doctor ordered for what tickles your funnybone! Take two medical cartoons and call me in the morning…
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